English Monsters by James Scudamore

Author:James Scudamore
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781473570153
Publisher: Random House

By now, so far as I know, most of us have got there. Some are rumoured to have shown others the way, and in fabled instances whole dormitories are said to have rushed there together. I was not one of the early ones, in spite of a better than average awareness of the broader subject matter thanks to my grandfather and his stories.

For a long time my body simply doesn’t do what I have heard it is supposed to do. I can bring about a pulsing pleasure which feels as if it’s to do with blood flow more than anything else, but nothing more. Then, quite unexpectedly one night (torchlight, charges asleep), there is for the first time a little gem of liquid, its quantity and viscosity increasing with each of my eager throbs. A few goes later, the issue has become a messy inevitability. I will remember only relief. The conversations of others on the topic have worried me for some time. The legend of the biscuit game, apocryphal or not, is at least no longer incomprehensible. The description of milk boiling over in one of the books Becky and I read together now makes sense.

Simon is far too secretive to have released any details of his own journey, but true to form he has risen to the mechanical challenge. Last year he fashioned a device using seven toy tractor tyres glued into a tube, attached to a piece of wood with a hole in it. He then attached the tube to the drive shaft of a motor colonised from a Scalextric car-racing set. His wanking machine, which was passed around for a while before it was acknowledged to add no value to the experience, became known as the Stale-sex-trick. Luke’s coinage. He was proud of that.

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